2/2

Friday was frustrating but I got over it. The ability to move on from what frustrates you is the hardest part in all things, but specifically academic frustration is seems pretty unique - especially late-in-life academia. It's not something you can turn a blind eye to like cleaning the attic, it's pungent and in your face like a messy litter box. You can make some attempt to ignore it but the need to address it becomes so immediate once you've rediscovered what needs to get done. If not it just gets worse and worse and harder to clean up. It's your responsibility. You brought cat into the house. You decided to go back to school, to leave this prosaic existence that includes the perks of a meager salary and harsh looks from people who loathe my existence. In underwriting at least I was able to make decisions, go out for a dinner every once and then. It was long hours but there was little crumbs along the way to remind you that you were working for something better. But auditing? What soul sucking work. My job is to judge people who are just trying to do their job and follow guidelines that don't make sense and significantly inhibit productivity. I check fees. I check if deductibles are sufficient. God this is awful. I put pins in digital maps... at least there is something to this. At least I'm allowed to look from a view that's much higher, one that's all encompassing. It's a reminder that there is more than this; that this place is so small and the world is so big. There are possibilities out there. I may never be able to travel the world but goddamnit if there is at least a chance that's something worth fighting for.

But fighting takes time. Maybe time I don't have. Maybe time I need to make and create out of nothing. This Wednesday I'm missing the wake of Jill's "Aunt's" mother. A woman who I wasn't even sure existed prior the revelation that she had passed. I'm not sure how well or if Jil knew her but at the very least this person meant a lot to a person that means a lot to Jill which is good enough for me. But I have to study. This is part of the "creating time where there is none" mentality I have to create and now live in. There is simply too much information to take in to not devote nearly 100% of my time to it. Eat, sleep (occasionally), work and poke my head out my studies every once and then to let Jill know I'm still alive. I'm ok with this as a means to an end. It just has to get done and years from now Jill and I will look back and laugh at all this from an apartment apartment that is our own and not falling to pieces.

Now it's just about organizing my time. Below is a system I implemented as of this Saturday. It's the Eisenhower decision matrix. My problem in the beginning was addressing things immediately that maybe didn't need to be done at that time, that maybe there was something else I could do that was also constructive but even more so.

http://thousandinsights.files.wordpress.com/2010/10/image.png

We'll get through this.
Finish reading chapter 12 tonight and outline the questions
Read Chapter 13.